Fancy Champaign
by Winter's Lightning
Summary: Axel might not be made for swanky parties, but he still makes one helluva wingman. Besides, Roxy needs to learn that you'll never get anywhere you want to be without pissing a few people off along the way... Orson: "I'm only tryin' to help!"


**Disclaimer:** I do not own Kingdom Hearts.

**Pairings:** Axel/Roxas friendship

**Author's Note:**So, I suddenly realized all the stories I've uploaded are either sad or tense. I love Axel/Roxas banter, and it's a shame that it seems to somehow ruin the flow of some of my other stories. Considering the hopelessly depressed persona I'm probably managing to convey here, I thought it might be best to set the record straight, and upload something light hearted. I hope you enjoy it!

Orson: Tryin' To Help:

"_Come on, Baby – why the long face? You're messing up my head space!"_

* * *

Axel took a sip from the long, elegant glass held delicately between his thumb and index finger.

"Eurgh!" He spluttered loudly, spraying droplets in a wide circle before him. "What the fuck is this? _Rat piss?!_"

Roxas flinched as some caught him in the eye. "It's _Champaign,_ asstard. _Don Perion_. And you just got it on my suit."

Axel sniffed at the glass, face scrunched up in disgust. "Adds character. Tell them it's a designer thing, they'll lap it up." Roxas snatched up a napkin from the lavish buffet table beside them, hissing "God _damnit _Axel. I can't take you anywhere!"

"Nonsense!" he waved merrily at some portly looking business men, before leaning towards Roxas, and muttering out of the side of his mouth "_God_… who ate all the pies?"

Roxas snorted into his drink, and glared daggers at his best friend. What had he been _thinking_ bringing Axel here? These functions were bad enough without having to baby-sit an idiot.

"That's _not_ funny, Axel."

"Come off it, Blondie." He flashed a wolfish grin. "You love it."

"Just play nice, ok? If you don't quit acting like a douche-bag you're gonna get thrown out."

"Oh Rox, no faith at all." He smoothed down his tie, a vivid pink that clashed horribly with his hair "_You _might not have noticed, but I'm the _master_ of sophistication." He swooped down at a passing waiter. "Oooh, look! CANAPPERS!" He grabbed a handful, and stuffed them into his face, eyes glazing over slightly as he let out loud noises of appreciation. Licking each finger clean with child like joy, he caught the look on Roxas' face.

"What? Oh, right." He turned to the stunned looking waiter. "Merci my good garson! Exquisite Cannapers if I do say so myself."

Roxas dragged a hand over his face, throwing the waiter an apologetic look before waving him away.

"It's _Canapés_, moron."

"What do you _want_ from me? I'm not _French._"

"Good job. You'd look terrible in a beret."

"Oooh, low blow." Roxas took a few deep gulps of campaign, wondering if he should be worried about the way Axel's eyes were flashing.

"Tut, tut. Pinky out, Roxie pie, good heavens, _where _are your manners?"

"Cram it, Ass face."

"_Language! _We're at a _classy _establishment here. How about a little finesse?"

"Bite me."

"How can you drink that shit anyway?"

"My taste buds are _cultured._"

"Ooh, get you!" He snatched up his own glass, swirling the liquid under his nose with a look of ecstasy on his face. "Glorified Rat Piss, simply _DEVINE!_ The flavour, the _sensations_, my god it's utterly _mouth watering._" He added a leer for good measure. "_ORGASMIC."_

Roxas raised the glass to his lips again, hiding the smile that was threatening to break free. This was a _serious situation _and he would not be -

He paled. "Oh _God, _it's Xemnas! _Try _to blend in, would you?"

Axel watched Roxas tug nervously at his collar. The change in him was obvious. Back rigid, eyes serious. Axel wasn't sure he liked it.

"Roxas." The man was tall, ugly, and had obviously bathed in his god awful cologne. First impressions didn't improve as he cast a cursory glance at Axel and dismissed him without so much as an introduction. "It's good to see you. Your father is throwing an excellent party, as expected." Axel looked around the room of plastic trophy wives clutching the arms of stuffy old men, and thought about how much more at home Roxas had looked last week. Sitting in Dem's backyard, clinking beers with friends and sharing stories. All bright smiles and muddy knees. Easy times and crushed cans in the firelight.

"So have you thought about my offer?"

Axel narrowed his eyes. So _this_ was the jerk Hell bent on taking Roxas away?

"You would do well in my Organisation." He leaned forwards slightly, gold eyes boring down into cool blue.

"That may be... " Roxas cleared his throat, voice clipped and polite... a far cry from the dry lull of sarcasm that usually came off him in waves. Axel frowned... Roxas was changing who he was for this overbearing twat, and that wasn't right.

"... but I'm afraid I must decline."

Something twisted in Xemnas' face. His superior smirk giving way to an impatient frown. It reminded Axel of a toddler not getting its way.

"It would be foolish to throw away an opportunity of this magnitude, Roxas."

"I appreciate that, but – "

"The youngest to make it into my ranks. Many can only dream of such a chance."

Pushy bastard. Axel listened to the extravagant language. Overly complex, designed to intimidate and conquer… and decided he'd had enough.

With a grimace, he downed the last of his despicable bubbly and strode forwards, taking a sweeping bow.

"Xemmy, my good man!!" Smiling wide, he executed a vigorous handshake, and prayed desperately that Roxas was too stunned to maim him with the nearby silverware. "Apologies tenfold and varied, my friend, but I'm afraid we must depart! ... _Oooh!_" He snatched another handful of entrees as a waiter gawped, knowing they might be his last, and shoveled them in. A shower of crumbs exploded, landing nicely on Xemnas' pristine black suit. Axel beamed, inwardly booming 'Hah! How'd you like _them _apples, dickwad?'

Xemnas gaped at the food contaminating his jacket, clearly horrified.

"It's been a blast... simply _top dollar ._" Wiping a hand casually on his tie, he enjoyed the pompous git's violent eye twitch. "But alas, we have a prior arrangement... with... er..."

He floundered, casting his mind around desperately for inspiration. Eyes landing on one of the many boring, ludicrously expensive portraits lining the walls, Axel clicked his fingers and added proudly "The King of Spain!"

With that, he blew a kiss in Xemnas' face, slung an arm around Roxas' shoulders, and steered him away. As they headed for the door, he made sure to wiggle his hips and send a gay looking wave over his shoulder, along with a high pitched "_Ta ta!_"

Leading them outside, Axel felt the tension in Roxas' shoulders, and cringed. Castration was imminent. Grand double doors made of stained glass sent rainbow patterns across the ground, blues and greens arching gracefully towards a fountain.

He ducked just as Roxas aimed a punch at his head. "You did _not _just do that!"

"Think I did, Rox." He snickered, dodging a kick and remembering the look of disbelief on Xemnas' upper class, arrogant face.

"What the _fuck_ Axe?" He stormed towards the fountain, running a hand through his hair. "My dad's gonna be _so_ pissed."

Axel followed with a shrug. "So? The guy was pressuring you. Fuck him."

Roxas turned to face him, incredulous. "He's head of one of the biggest companies on the _planet._"

"So?"

"Dad's partner for the last 15 years."

"So?"

"So it's important to keep him – "

"What? Happy? Fuck that. Far as I can see, he won't be happy 'till you cave."

"But my dad –"

"Fuck him as well. Didn't you turn down that smug bastard's offer in the first place so you could follow your own path? If your dad doesn't like it, he can shove it."

Roxas leaned against the stone of the fountain watching ripples dance across the water.

"It's not that simple, Axe."

"Like Hell it's not. I won't stand here and watch you throw away what you really want because some prissy, rich bitch wants you to be his little golden boy"

Axel drew his eyes from Roxas' tense figure, and peered back through the doors. "Did you see his face though? Fucking classic, right?" He was rewarded by a bark of laughter from the fountain. A lazy smile fell easily onto his face as he sauntered towards his friend. "Think he's remembered how to blink yet? Looked like a puffer fish suffering unexpected ass rape."

A toss of golden hair, and Roxas was smiling like he was back in Dem's garden. All dimples and perfect white teeth. "You're such an idiot. You know that?"

"Please, I _strive_ for it. I'd choose free idiot over miserable rich bugger _any _day."

"Me too."

Axel watched their reflections ripple and distort in the water. Red and yellow flowed together, and if he squinted _just so,_ he could swear it was on fire. He might not belong to this world of crystal chandeliers and decadent parties… But he sure as Hell belonged with Rox, and nobody was going to take that away from him.

Nudging Roxas in the side with his elbow, he grinned "I dare you to piss in the fountain."


End file.
